Recently a mother brought her 12-year old son in for a medical visit. No particular problem, but the teachers say the boy does not show confidence in himself. “He does not go for it…” “He’s afraid of losing”, “He prefers playing with small children”, “He lets the other kids boss him around”, “He gives up without even trying”. After speaking with a psychologist, the boy was enrolled in a rugby sports class and now we will have to see if that helps. The mother asks me whether there is something more she can do for her son. The answer is Yes! A study on 650 boys and girls aged 11-14 years, that lasted 4 years says that helping people we do not know (for a few months at least) helps the helper build confidence, whereas helping relatives and friends is great, but does not help build confidence. By helping, one must share, listen to, advise and comfort besides do practical things. The study says that when you help those around you, you feel better not only because you feel useful, but mainly because you are obliged to take up a position, which is precisely what someone who lacks confidence does not do. The gratification that follows is an incentive to take up positions ever more willingly because the benefit is greater than the cost. The help we receive when we help a stranger is greater than the help we give. In fact, how much help we are prepared to give depends on us as is how gratified we feel for what we have done. This means we control all the variables. How much is helping the old lady cross the street worth? Or sweeping away the snow from our neighbor’s porch? Or carrying up the shopping bags for five floors for the old man who has just come out of hospital? How happy should I be for the services I gave? There are no fixed values as instead for a bottle of milk and so all I have to do is do these great things, attribute the value I choose and that’s it! I feel much better, even if I did pay a price. With a friend or relative things would not go so smoothly, because they would soon have the opportunity to pay me back for the favor and so we go back to start. Furthermore, helping strangers allows you to meet new people, take the spotlight off your problems, see other realities. Finally, the confidence building effects are lasting, so even if for some reason you stop helping strangers your newly won confidence remains. Surprise! Helping strangers also helps those who are over confident climb down from their pedestal.